A Rumic Christmas Story
by The Liz
Summary: Ataru Moroboshi is the biggest lecher in the world. Now with the help of three familiar and annoying spirits, will he be cured? It's been tried before but... Merry Christmas!
1. Part I

The Liz: Merry Christmas everyone! Here's my little tribute to some of the stupidest characters out there. You gotta love em

I don't own Christmas Carol or any of Rumiko's great characters.

* * *

"Ataaaruuuu," Lum growled, her hair flowing out around her in a demonic halo. 

Ataru fell on the ground, his hands up in a pleading motion. "C-come on Lum," he said nervously. "I wasn't really looking at that girl or nothing…"

"DIE!" ZAP! ZAP! ZAP! ZAP!

And with that said, Lum flew off in a huff, leaving behind a scorched twitching Ataru.

* * *

"Ow, ow, ow." Ataru limped his way down the street on a walking stick, the street lights coming on overhead. _Damn Lum. Why the hell did she have to…_

"DEMON!" THWAP!

Ataru rested on the ground with a tremendous knot on his head while Cherry stood over him. "My most humble apologies," Cherry said, bowing towards the limp form at his feet. "It's just that your misfortunate aura confused me, leading me to believe you were a vengeful spirit."

"I'll show you vengeful!" Ataru bellowed, conking Cherry over the head. He slowly rose to leave, heading for his house.

"Wait!" Cherry yelled. "You weren't planning on leaving tonight?"

"It's Christmas Eve, I'm going home," Ataru stated, not even bothering to face the withered priest.

"I sense that horrible misfortune will plague you tonight," Cherry yelled after him. "You mustn't travel tonight!"

Ataru sighed. _Every single time he says that,_ he thought angrily. _Something happens to me.

* * *

_

"I'm home," Ataru said as he opened the door.

"Where have you been!" his mother yelled at him. "It's Christmas Eve! Don't you have any respect for family?"

"I was trying to get home!" Ataru yelled. "Geez," he muttered as the phone rang. "I got it!" he yelled picking up the star patterned phone. "Hello?"

"Ataru!" Shinobu's voice screeched over the phone line. "Where were you tonight? We were supposed to meet today!"

Ataru sighed. "I'm sorry, Lum…"

"LUM! Oh, I'm so sick of hearing about Lum!" Shinobu yelled. "That's it! It's over between us! I never want to see you again!"

"Wait Shin…" A little hand popped out of the phone and scratched Ataru's face until he hung up.

Ataru sighed as he walked up the stairs. _That's it!_ he thought angrily. _No more! I can't even get a break on Christmas Eve! _He slammed open the door to his room and hurriedly began stuffing random objects into his trunk. _I'm outta here!

* * *

_

"Your room will be upstairs," the old lady said as she walked up the stairs, Ataru following close behind. The aged stairs creaked loudly under his feet and the dark corridor was stifled with a chilling feeling. "It's not often that we get visitors," the old lady said.

_Gee,_ Ataru thought nervously, adjusting his bag under his arm. _I wonder why?_

"Ah here we are," the old fogey said. "Room 13. I hope you aren't superstitious," she said as she opened the door.

"Of course not!" Ataru said nervously. The room looked like something out of The Shinning, and the bed had four large posts. "It's just fine!" The old lady bowed and left the room, shutting the creaking door behind her. And Ataru was all alone.

"Thank god!" he laughed as he jumped back onto the bed. "This is great, no Lum, no parents, nothing to bother me! I could stay here forever!"

Famous last words.

* * *

Ataru yawned and looked at the large grandfather clock, which read eleven o'clock. _Time for bed, _he thought happily. _And no one is going to yell at me for it either. Man, this was a great idea!_

He climbed into the large cushy bed and sunk down into the softness. Just as he was about to close his eyes, the light next to his bed started to flicker. _What's going on? _he thought as the other lights in the room flickered on and off frantically.

"**_Suuuuzzzzziiieee_**."

"S-suzie!" Ataru shrieked.

"**_Suuuuzzzziiieee, I haavvee cooomme foor youuu_**." A white figure emerged from the wall of the fireplace, a ghostly aura emitting from her. Her long white hair flowed down to her knees and her skin looked as though it were made of porcelain. From her ankles and wrist hung long chains, various objects connected to the silver bonds. "**_Ssuuuuuzzzziiiieeee_**."

"Ghost babe!" Ataru cried with a disgusting grin as he leapt forward to glomp the spirit.

"EEEKKK! Get off!" BAM! The ghost girl looked mortified. "How the hell?" she yelled at the now prone figure of Ataru lying twitching on the ground. "You can touch me?"

"Ehehehe," Ataru laughed. "Sure can! Give us a smooch!"

WHAM! "I don't understand," the poltergeist said. "Where's Suzie?"

"Suzie?" Ataru said. "I'm the only one here."

"Damn it," the ghost said. "I told them I couldn't get her this Christmas. 'She's on vacation,' I say, but do they listen? Nooo…" she sighed. "Well I'll just have to get her next year. Hopefully it won't be too late…"

"I can stay with you!" Ataru said a lecherous grin on his face. He reached for the ghost again…

BAM! "Who the hell are you anyway?"

"My name is Ataru Moroboshi," Ataru said, trying his best to put on his 'movie star' face.

"Moroboshi? Oh god you're kidding me!" the spirit cried woefully. "Everyone in the spirit world knows you! You're the world's biggest lecher!"

Ataru grinned, undeterred by this last statement. "So you know me! That's great!"

GLOMP

WHAM! "Stop it!" the ghost yelled. "That's it! Ataru Moroboshi!" she yelled, her silvery hair flowing around her. "You will visited by the three ghost of Christmas tonight! Heed their warning and learn from them!" And with a clap of thunder, the ghost left, leaving Ataru alone.

"Aw man, she was hot too," Ataru said, climbing into the bed. He fell asleep awhile later, the three ghost completely forgotten.

* * *

Something was poking Ataru's head. "Hmm, cut it out…" Ataru mumbled annoyed. "Get out of here Jariten," he muttered. 

"I'm not a brat!" a small voice very different from Ten's cried out. "Come on, get up lazy!"

Ataru cracked open an eye to see a small girl in white clothing and… a tail? "Ahh! Rat demon!" Ataru screamed, falling out his bed.

"Rat!" the child yelled at Ataru. "Do I look like a rat to you? I'm a fox demon thank you very much!"

"A-are you the Ghost?" Ataru asked.

"Sure am," the little demon said proudly. "I'm the Ghost of Christmas Past."

"So the Ghost of Christmas Past is a little girl?"

"GIRL!" The ghost jumped down and started scratching at Ataru's face with its very real claws. "I'm a boy! A boy!"

"Ow! Okay, okay! I get it!" Ataru yelled.

The small boy jumped onto the floor and crossed his arms impatiently. "Anyway, we're supposed to go to the past now," he said bitterly.

"What are you going to do if I don't come?" Ataru said. "You're just a kid."

Suddenly the small demon blew up into a giant pink balloon thing with huge eyes. "Come with me!"

Ataru nodded weakly. "O-okay." The balloon reverted back to the little smirking demon boy.

"Okay then! Hold on!" the boy said snapping his fingers.

"Wa-" WHUMP! "What the hell was that!" Ataru snapped, clutching his head.

"We're here," the little boy said cheerfully.

"What? No weird tunnel or anything?" Ataru said bitterly.

"Stop whining and pay attention!" the boy snapped.

Ataru mumbled something about a brat and looked around him. "Hey, where are we?"

"Your house sixteen years ago," the boy said. "Looks different huh?"

"Cleaner," Ataru muttered. "Where is everybody?"

"In there," the little boy said, walking to the living room. Ataru poked his head around the corner to see a much younger version of his parents playing with a baby.

"Is that me?" Ataru asked, eyeing the small child suspiciously.

"Yep," the ghost demon said happily. "What happened?"

CLONK

"OW!" the ghost demon yelped. "What was that for?"

"Shut up!" Ataru yelled back. "Stupid brat."

"I'm not a brat!"

The family in the room went on happily, not noticing the chaos that the two spirits were creating. "Aww, it's so cute," Ataru's mom cooed. "Come on, say 'Mommy'."

"No, no, say 'Daddy'," Ataru's dad said with a smile.

Baby-Ataru laughed happily.

"Come on honey, say 'Mommy'."

"No, no, say 'Daddy'!"

"B-b-," baby-Ataru stuttered, trying to make a word form in his mouth. "Babe!"

…

"That was my first word?" Ataru said disbelievingly. "No wonder Mom and Dad kept giving weird answers. Mom would say it was 'mommy' and Dad said it was 'daddy'."

"Wow, you were a pervert even at that age?" the ghost demon said. "What a loser." CLONK! "OW! Would you stop hitting me!"

"Stop insulting me!"

Meanwhile, the stunned silence in the family room broke happily. "Oh that's so good Ataru!" his mom said happily, playing with the toy in his hand.

"Now let's say 'Daddy'!" his dad said smiling.

The little fox kid sighed. "Little did they know that that was only the beginning. Your poor parents."

"Shut up!" Ataru mumbled. He sighed and leaned back on his hands to see a small red ball heading his way. "What the…" WHAM! "Ye-OW!"

"You shoulda watched what you were doing," the fox demon said as he started walking on the playground.

"Where are we?" Ataru asked. "I thought we were in my house."

"We're at your elementary school," the ghost demon said. "To see what you were like as a little kid."

Ataru scoffed. "Why is this important? And besides, aren't we supposed to be in Christmas past?"

"This is the Christmas season, its close enough," the ghost said. "Wow, is that you over there?" he said, pointing to a small kid with a stupid grin on his face. "Sure looks like you."

"That's not me!" Ataru said indignantly. "I was so much cooler than …"

"Ataru!" a little girl said, running up to the stupid kid. "Where were you today?"

"Hey, that looks like Shinobu," Ataru said.

"Uhh…" the stupid kid said. "I was around."

"Around!" the little girl cried. "I bet you were looking at those stupid magazines again!" SLAP! "Ataru I hate you!"

The fox demon sighed. "Man, your life sucked huh?"

"Shut up! What the hell am I supposed to learn from this anyway?" Ataru said.

The demon ghost shrugged. "How should I know, I'm only a kid after all. Maybe something about your lechery and lack of commitment even at an early age."

"You know, that sounded pretty in depth for a kid," Ataru said. "So where are we going next?"

"Weeellll!" the ghost demon said happily, "Next stop is…" Suddenly a little alarm went off. The little fox demon looked down at his sports watch with looked very out of place with his angelic outfit. "Oops, looks like time's up. Till next time!" he said, flying away and waving.

"Wait a minute!" Ataru yelled from the playground. "What about me? Aren't you going to…" BAM! Ataru wobbled to the ground after being pelted in the head again. "Oww…" he whined, sitting up. Suddenly he realized he was back in his hotel room. "Aww man. This is going to suck."

* * *

It had been fifteen minutes since the fox demon ghost kid thing left Ataru and he was starting to get antsy. _Where the hell is that stupid spirit anyway?_ He sighed and rolled over onto his side. "I wanted to get away from this stuff. Damn spirits." 

"What do you mean by that?" an irritated female voice said from behind him. Ataru turned around to see a young red-headed girl in a large Christmas robe, which was too big for her.

"Another ghost babe!" GLOMP

"What the hell!" the red head said. "Get offa me!" WHAM! "Stupid kid," the girl said as she turned from the prone figure of Ataru. "Damn, where's that thermos?"

Some hot water splashed onto Ataru, reviving him immediately. "Hey honey!" he yelled about to charge when the helpful alarm went off in his head. Something was different about the ghost, for one thing she wasn't a red-head anymore, and for another thing she wasn't really a she anymore. "YOU'RE A GUY!"

The pigtailed ghost boy smirked. "Yep, and if you pull something like that again, you won't get up so easily." He was wearing the same large Christmas robe he was wearing when he was a she only it fit him much better this time.

Ataru shook his head. "Aww man, I'm gonna be sick," he muttered to himself.

"That's what lechery will get you," the ghost said. "Now come on, we better get going. We haven't got much time left."

"Why? Am I gonna die or something?" Ataru asked, a little less sarcasm then he hoped for.

"No, I was just late," the pigtailed ghost said.

"Oh." Suddenly, Ataru's feet started to lift off of the ground, and flipped him around so that his feet were facing the ceiling. "What's going on?"

"Oops, sorry," the ghost said. He took his hand and made a circle in the air with it. Ataru's body shot up to its proper position but his head hit the ceiling.

"Is there some way of transportation where I don't get hit in the head!" Ataru said angrily.

The ghost shrugged. "Guess you're just unlucky or something."

* * *

The Liz: Part two later tonight! Much love and stuff! 


	2. Part II

"So where are we going anyway?" Ataru asked the pigtailed ghost as they soared over the clouds. "You're the ghost of Christmas Present right?"

The pigtailed ghost nodded. "Yep. You're life is really messed up so I figured we'd visit your family first."

"My family?" Ataru said. "What good'll that do, they're probably celebrating."

The ghost shook his head sadly. "It's too bad you have such a low opinion of yourself."

"You'd have a low opinion of yourself too if you had people constantly yelling at you for doing stuff that's out of your control!"

The ghost just sighed again, a little smile on his face. "Looks like we're here," he said as they began to descend through the clouds. "Hmm, nice neighborhood."

Ataru snorted. "Don't I wish," he said. They continued to travel down through the roof to Ataru's family room.

His mother was crying and his father was stroking her back comfortingly. "Its okay honey, I'm sure he'll be home soon."

"N-no!" his mother sobbed. "Not after the way I yelled at him!"

"Oh that's okay honey," his dad said. "You yell at him all the time, I'm sure he's used to it by now."

"WAAAHHHHH!"

"Uh, well, not all the time, I mean…"

"Oh why did I have to have such an idiot for a son!"

"Idiot?" Ataru said sharply. "Who's an idiot?"

"You are, idiot," the ghost said. "The way you were talking I was expecting a huge party. You know, banners reading 'Ataru's Gone!' or something like that."

Ataru frowned as his sobbing mother continued to curse his existence. _She looks kinda upset, _he thought worriedly.

The ghost smirked at Ataru when he sniffed the tempting aroma from the kitchen. "Oh man! What smells so good?"

WHAP! "Thinking about your stomach when you're trying to teach me a lesson!" Ataru said.

WHAP-POW! "Don't hit me idiot!"

CLONK! "Don't call me an idiot!"

The ghost growled then snapped his fingers.

WHUMP! Ataru landed head first on the ground. "Would you cut that…"

"Darling!" Lum's voice called in the now dark street. "Darling where are you?"

"Lum?" Ataru said.

"Darling! It's Lum!" she cried out worriedly while floating over the streets. "Where are you?"

"I'm right here!" Ataru yelled.

"She can't hear you," the ghost said, floating above Ataru's head.

"Why not?"

The ghost shrugged. "I don't know, I just work here."

"Well can she see me?"

"Nope, not that I know of," the pigtailed ghost said.

"Lum!" the little Ten said as he flew up to the distressed Lum. "Come on, let's go home!"

Lum shook her head vigorously. "No, I have to find my darling."

"Lum…" Ataru murmured.

"Wow, you've go a hot alien looking for you and you ran away?" the ghost said. "Pfft, loser."

"Would you stop talking like that!" Ataru said angrily. "So I'll go home now. If you'll let me that is," he muttered.

"Nope, can't let you off that easy," the ghost said.

"Well then what the hell am I supposed to learn?"

The ghost smirked. "Looks like time's up," he said. "Later!"

"Oh no you don't!" Ataru yelled. "I want to go back home, and I don't wanna get hit on the head either!"

"Sorry," the departing ghost yelled. "I just work here!" He rummaged inside his robes and pulled out a large object. "Here's your complimentary fruitcake!"

"What's a fruitcake?" WHAM!

* * *

"I swear," Ataru mumbled as he sat up in his bed. "If one more spirit hits me on the head…" As his eyes adjusted he saw a large table set up in front of his bed full of food and alcohol. "What the hell?" 

"Would you like to partake in my Christmas feast?" a voice said from behind Ataru.

Ataru spun around to face a blank faced man in a dark robe with a hood. "AHHHH!" he yelped as he fell off the bed. "It's the Grim Reaper!"

"You are quite mistaken young Moroboshi," the Grim Reaper said without opening his mouth. "I am but the humble ghost of Christmas Future and you," he said as he floated over to the table, opening a bottle of sake. "Are late."

"I-It's the other ghost's fault. The one with a pigtail."

But the ghost wasn't paying any attention as he was busy gulping down sake at an amazing rate. "Hey!" Ataru yelled. "Are you even listening to me!"

The ghost turned his head towards him and in all seriousness, said "No."

A few minutes passed until the ghost had devoured the entire meal and six bottles of sake (and not giving any to Ataru) he patted his stomach. "Well then, shall we leave?"

"Where'd you get all that food anyway?" Ataru asked bitterly.

"Room service of course," the ghost said plainly.

"My room service?"

"Yes, your room service."

"You mean," Ataru growled. "You ordered all that food on my room service. Which means I'll have to pay for all of this."

"Exactly."

WHAP! "That was most unwise of you," the ghost said as he clutched a giant knot on his head.

"Why? What're you gonna do?" Ataru said, his arms crossed over his chest.

ZOOP! Suddenly Ataru's arms were pinned to his side and he was turned upside down. BAM BAM BAM BAM! His was dropped on his head, picked up and dropped again.

"Now are we ready to leave?" the ghost said.

"Uh…" Ataru muttered, stars dancing in front of his eyes.

"Good." The ghost put up his hood, his face now in shadow and hovered out of the room, Ataru in tow.

"What're you doing?" Ataru asked nervously. "Let me go!"

"Not until we're done here," the ghost said. He opened the door to the hotel to reveal a bleak and dreary setting, the sky overcast and grey.

"What's going on?" Ataru asked, looking around him.

"We're going to your funeral," the ghost said matter-of-factly.

"M-My funeral!" Ataru yelled. "But I'm not dead!"

"You will be eventually."

"But I'm not now!" Ataru yelled, squirming in his invisible bondage. Ataru struggled madly as the ghost dragged him down the street. There was a large crowd gathered in a grave yard, all wearing black. "What's going on?" he asked.

"I already told you," the ghost said. "This is your funeral."

"Looks like I'm pretty loved," Ataru said disbelievingly. "Aren't I supposed to die a lonely death or something like that?"

"Your fate is much worse."

"Worse?" Ataru muttered as he was dragged among the crowd. "Is that Lum?" he said as they passed an older version green haired alien. "What's she doing with Mendo?" Lum dabbed the corner of her eye gracefully while the well-aged Mendo put his arm around her protectively. "Hey! He can't do that!"

"But he can," the ghost said as they neared the grave. "He is her husband."

"Husband! Well then who am I married to?"

"Poor Ataru," he heard a voice nearby say quietly. "It must be hard for his wife now that he's gone."

"Are you kidding me?" another voice nearby said in response. "I hear he was nagged to death."

"I wouldn't put it past him," another voice said.

"Nagged to death?" Ataru said nervously. "Ghost man! What are they talking about?"

"You will see," the ghost said morbidly as they approached the grave. A horrible wailing could begin to be heard as they grew closer.

"Who's that?" Ataru asked.

"Your wife." They approached the grave and Ataru saw something that almost gave him a heart attack. There on her knees was the most wrinkled, puffer faced, beady eyed old woman he had ever seen, bawling her eyes out.

"THAT'S MY WIFE?" Ataru yelled, panicked. "What happened?"

"You never stopped being a lecher and Lum as well as every other female in your life left you. You grew desperate and married a controlling ugly old hag."

Ataru was practically in tears now. "No, no! I'll be good now, I promise! Just don't let that happen to me!"

The spirit turned around to face him, sake strong on his breath. "Do you promise?"

"I promise, I promise! Just save me from such a horrible fate!" Ataru cried. "Please, take mercy on me! I'm just a kid!"

"I'm just a kid!" Ataru cried out again. "I'm just a…"

* * *

WHUMP 

Ataru landed on his head, tangled in the bed sheets. "Aww man," he muttered as he sat up. The morning light poured through the window onto the floor in front of him. _Was that… just a dream?_ he wondered as he untangled himself.

"Who wants to stick around to find out? I'm going home!" He packed his bags quickly and still in his p-jama's he ran downstairs to the front desk. "Scuse me ma'am!" he said. "I need to check out."

"Very well young man," the old lady said. "That'll be for one night and… my, my, someone must've gotten quite hungry last night!"

Ataru grumbled as he quickly pulled out the large sum of money from his wallet. _Now I know it was real.

* * *

_

"Mom, Dad!" Ataru yelled as he stormed into the house. "I'm back!"

"Ataru?" a voice said from the living room. His mom came around the corner and smiled broadly. "Ataru! You're back!"

"Hi Mom, sorry I…"

WHAP! "Where have you been!" his mother shrieked. "It's Christmas for goodness sake! I expect you were out gallivanting through town…"

"Oh Ataru," his dad said as he poked his head around the corner. "Welcome home."

"You should be ashamed of yourself! Out all night the night before Christmas of all times, why don't you just move out or something!"

_Okay, maybe I should've come home so early, _Ataru thought. "Aww mom, I'm back aren't I?" Ataru said.

"Why did I have to have such an idiot for a son!"

"I'm not an idiot!"

Suddenly Ataru was glomped from behind. "DARLING!" Lum shrieked from behind him. "I was looking for you all night darling! Where were you?"

"Lum! Get offa me!"

"But I missed you Darling! And it's Christmas after all!"

"I said get off!"

"Don't you yell so loudly! The neighbor's will hear everything!"

"No dear, don't you think…"

"Don't you dear me! Why I…"

Meanwhile, three ghosts watched the scene from above the house. "You think he learned his lesson?" the small fox demon said.

"Not a chance," the pigtailed ghost said. "He'll be the same tomorrow, just watch."

The blank faced man nodded. "I agree. Say, shall we go get something to eat for Christmas?"

"Sure! I'm getting pretty hungry!" the pigtailed ghost said.

"Me too! I'm starving!"

"Ranma, shall you pay?"

"Not this time Yotsuya. You're paying!"

"Yeah, and that time I had to lend you money too!"

"My dear young Shippo, you will soon learn the values of money as I have."

"You mean the values of getting drunk on sake and mooching money offa your co-workers?"

"Yes young Ranma, you seem to get the point."

And so, the three bickering ghost left the bickering 'family'.

* * *

God Bless Us, Everyone!

A brief summary on the characters that appeared in this story:

Ataru Moroboshi: The unluckiest hero in the world from Urusei Yatsura. Picked at random to save the world by playing tag with Lum (the alien princess), he inadvertently was engaged to her, further messing up his already unlucky life. Being the largest lecher in the world, his dream is to be the master of his own harem.

Shippo: A kid fox demon from Inu Yasha. His father was killed by the Thunder Brothers and in order to get revenge he tried to take the Shikon Jewels from Kagome and Inu Yasha. FYI: It didn't work. So now he travels around with the crew as the happy little kid mascot and comedic relief.

Ranma: A cursed sex-changing teenaged martial artist from Ranma ½. After sparring with his father in the "Training Ground of Cursed Springs", Ranma knocked his father into the Spring of Drowned Panda, giving his father the shape of the panda, who knocked him into the Spring of Drowned Girl. Now cold water turns him into a girl and hot water turns him back into a guy. Oh yeah, and he has three fiancee's, one pyscho stalker girl, one stalker dude, and at least two people trying to kill him daily.

Yotsuya: the alcoholic, free-loading creepy neighbor from Maison Ikkoku. His apartment is right next to Godai's and he often drops in through his little hole in the wall (literally) to steal Godai's food and tease him about the pretty landlord. Think Cherry and Happosai combined, then have him never open his mouth in the manga. That's Yotsuya.

Merry Christmas Everyone!


End file.
